Clawing at mud….

I have had to make an effort to dig myself out of a hole recently. I am still clawing at the mud and sliding back in really. My motivation has been low, I’ve found myself doing that thing I hate where I start talking up stuff I’m doing or have done to make myself feel better, I’ve felt under appreciated and under valued, and worst of all, I have felt like I am not hitting my potential. I do set my standards pretty high, but I have definitely not been even half reaching them of late. I have also been pretty sick with a nasty bug going round that just keeps on giving. #scichatNZ has become more managable, but I worry it is not growing. I ‘should’ get round to organising an educamp for Dunedin. I am making the effort to head up to educamp selwyn, but even that feels like a massive effort (Sorry Matt, I’m sure it will be awesome….). I am helping some cool kids around the country with scholarship chem, which is a fair way out of my depth, but I had intended to take it to more kids…. there is just this massive list of I have not dones….

And the weird thing is that when I sit and list what I have done or am currently involved with, there is still quite a lot. I simply don’t have time to fit many other things in, and I had to be rational (not always my strong point) and cut some things out. But I still feel burnt out. And like I am not doing enough. ALL at ONCE. And that I need a special certificate or something for doing what I am doing, when really, come on, I’m a grown up. It is just part of my job. A job I do LOVE and am passionate about.

I also had to make a really tough decision to say no to something. Saying no was HARD. In no way wanting to ‘bag’ the course, I had to say no to the mindlab course. I just could not find away to make it work for my family, as it was on a wednesday night, my hubby has cricket, and it would have cost a fortune in childcare. Not to mention I already feel like I don’t see enough of my small person. But on top of that, I looked at the course and wondered how much I would get out of it? That was an egocentric moment if ever I have had one. I was initially jealous as all hell of my colleagues doing it, but now they are balls deep in assignments and extensions, I’m not feeling quite they same level of FOMO. I still can’t quite feel relief though, nor contentment with my ‘choice’

And so now I am questioning what is important. What is it that I value. How can I feel I am filling my kete, rather than being stuck in an endless loop of filling others and never feeling like I am doing a good enough job. I blogged about teacher heriocs 6 weeks ago, and I still have not found an answer.

I also wonder about sharing failures. There are some things I have tried that haven’t worked, but that also feels braggy – hey, look at me, I’m trying cool shit over here. Is this tall poppy? Is this fear of not being perfect? I can quite happily say in the first 3 weeks of term my classes consisted of chalk and talk and lessons online as I lurched from lesson to lesson battling the cold I had. And no-body died. I think even some kids might have learned some things despite it being as boring as hell. Thankfully the relationship I have with my classes did give me that leeway, and by the end of last week I was feeling well enough to run some pracs…..

I wondered about depression/anxiety. Depression is not usually my sidekick (I’m more of an anxiety girl and have been down that road before and it doesn’t feel like now). I did go and talk to a professional (I highly recommend this – many schools will offer a free service if you need it, but I have some-one I see despite the cost). Which was useful and put some perspective on it – my family is important to me, and I need to place more importance on my own health. Find some boundaries and remember to take pleasure in things.  Work is also important to me but I do need to remember it is just work.

Because that is true of teaching right?? Sigh 🙂

Another thing worrying me is I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this right now. Maybe because I am there I am reading to much into little comments (or lack of comments) from others, but there seems to be an overwhelming current of tired, burnt out, just not quite there from a few people.

Or maybe, just maybe, I need to let go. Realise that I have grown and moved on from those things that gave me so much, but are no longer a source of inspiration like they once were. They are no longer fulfilling. Accept that others do not value them as I do and so they might not get carried on. Which is a shame, but if they are not longer filling a need they are not needed. Maybe my next challenge is just round the corner and it will spark up that learning again. Teaching is faddish after all.

After all, change is something I am trying to learn about, manage and support others to accept. Change is not new. Maybe I need to keep getting better at it myself.